Little Known Facts About New York

If you live in New York, you may not be aware of these true facts.

1) Only two of your four stove top burners will work in any apartment built before 1980. If your apartment has one of those mini ovens, then only one or zero of your burners will function.

2.) None of your stove top burners will work if you happen to already be cooking something in the oven.

3.) If you have any special weekend plans more than two miles away from your apartment, the subway line that would normally be the most convenient will not be running.

4.) It is impossible to run a blow dryer long enough to adequately dry long hair in a private residence without blowing a fuse.

5.) It is perfectly legal for police officers and postal carriers to not do their jobs whenever they feel like it (examples: taking a break from directing traffic to send text messages on a street corner, or leaving a cart full of private mail unguarded outside of a Chinese restaurant for an hour at lunchtime). 

6.) Any reasonably priced produce looks like it fought in a war before arriving at the grocery store.

7.) It is perfectly acceptable to charge a customer more for one glass of wine at a bar than the entire bottle costs at the wine store.

8.) It is perfectly acceptable to charge a customer more for a 4-pack of toilet paper than the amount they pay for monthly rent.

9.) An evil wizard controls the night schedule of the F train, which is why sometimes you wait 45 minutes for it on a Saturday night, and other times two arrive within two minutes of each other.

10.) If your pilot light goes out, you might as well move to a new apartment because no one knows what to do in that situation.

 

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6 Train Blues

It fascinates me that the 6 Train in New York always — always — smells like urine.  No matter what time of day, or which day of the week.

How is there so much urine?

Who are these anonymous pee-ers?

 

 

I love your pets more than I love you

One weird thing (among many) about me is that I never forget anything about anyone’s pets. If we meet on the street and you let me meet your dog, every subsequent time I see you on the street, I will remember your dog’s name and that she’s five years old and that you adopted her after she was found abandoned as a puppy beneath the boardwalk at Coney Island. Even if you don’t recognize me, don’t remember me, or just aren’t in the mood to trade niceties with a stranger (a neighborly stranger, but still a stranger). I will not forget your dog. 

P.S. I will probably forget your name.

Weird Dinners I Have Recently Eaten

1. 1 can of tuna with an entire avocado, lemon juice and black pepper

2. String cheese and pretzels

3. Pecan gelato, a peanut butter-flavored protein bar and Laughing Cow red wax blob of cheese

4. Whole wheat crackers and hummus

5. 2 containers of plain Chobani yogurt, 1/3 pound of grilled salmon

I think I need to hire a private chef to get back on track.

My 10 favorite Beastie Boys’ songs, and why

Sometimes, I look around at my life and I’m genuinely stupefied that I’m a New Yorker. It takes a lot to get by in this city, after all, if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. And it’s perhaps the understatement of a lifetime to say that the music of the Beastie Boys has been the soundtrack to my life. They were the musicians of choice of all the skater boys I hung out with in high school during their Fight For Your Right days. They were my own musicians of choice throughout college, when I saved up my work study dollars to see them perform at various clubs in downtown New York and big summer concert events. Just about every favorite memory of mine from my college days somehow factors back to the B-Boys. My very first major league college crush, Jack, loaned me his cassette tape of Licensed to Ill, which pretty much  multiplied my love for him to infinity. (Jack, if you are out there and are single, I would still totally marry you).

1) Get it Together

I was once at a dormitory party on the NYU campus (which may or may not have been hosted by yours truly) when the RA kicked down the door with the police and busted everyone inside for underage drinking while this song was blasting at top volume. It is my #1 go-to party anthem. This song also includes my favorite Adrock lines. In fact, as student ID’s were being collected for future punishment on that fateful night, people mid-bust kept singing along with the lyrics.  “I freak the funky beat like the shit was in a blender.” This song is pure sampling genius.

F*ck it cuz I know I didn’t make it really rhyme for real, but technically? I’m as hard as steel.

Pure magic. The song is just irresistible.  Phone is ringing, oh my god.

2) So What’cha Want

This song puts me in a psychotic trance. It is my #1 running play list song because it pumps me up like I’m ready to kick someone’s ass. Its antagonistic guitar riff and all of the grunting on repeat also provides me with fond memories of my parents threatening to murder me if I didn’t stop playing it.  This song is an adolescence ANTHEM.

3) Root Down

Man, I can’t break dance, but the video for this song sure did nothing to discourage me from trying. This song has the funkiest-ass bass mix of any song ever produced by white dudes.

4) Country Mike’s Theme

Come on. This is just hilarious.

5) The Negotiation Limerick File

This song is the soundtrack to the movie about brotherhood that I want to someday direct.  You know, like, after I write it and stuff. I keep all five boroughs in stitches!  

6) Netty’s Girl

See #4. I can’t even imagine the circumstances under which this recording was conducted.

7) Boomin’ Granny

You dropped your coupons, and you were lookin’ fine.

8) An Open Letter to NYC

I am not at all ashamed to admit this song makes me tear up when I’m listening to it on my iPod on the subway. We come together on the subway cars, diversity unified, whoever you are. This song really just is the perfect ode to my hometown. New York, you make it happen.

9) Shake Your Rump

The bong hit noise that inspired a lot of giggles in high school.

I got arrested at the Mardi Gras for jumping out of a float! My man MCA’s got a beard like a billy goat!

10) The Sure Shot

Fresh like Doug-E. when I get my specs. 

This song really is the Beastie Boys rapping at the top of their game. It’s got my favorite MCA riffs ever, too – I got the ill communication.

11) Don’t Play No Game that I Can’t Win

OK, I lied, I can’t keep this list limited to ten, it’s just too hard. I am a huge Santigold fan, and this song proves that the Beasties’ musical range was only expanding and getting sharper as their careers progress. This song is just tight.

Things that make me laugh

Here are a few things that make me laugh, no matter how dour my mood might be:

1) ANIMALS TALKING  IN ALL CAPS

I was made aware of this blog by my friend Elizabeth Bales, who is also a novelist. It is undeniably hilarious and written by a guy who is probably an alcoholic named Simon Fletcher.

2) Monkey smells finger

Ugh, you’re probably saying to yourself. I saw that, like, four years ago. 

Well, you know what? See it again. I dare you not to laugh… again. It’s still funny and it will be funny when the earth is barren and monkeys are extinct.

3. Enough said.

4.) Jason Mewes’ dance moves in Clerks.

Ah, there’s something about this earnestly performed Cabbage Patch move that puts a smile on my face even after a horrible work encounter or unexpected run-in with an ex-boyfriend on the street. It remains a timeless classic.